lovely underwater

3:22pm: but now i think i might
1. i love the really smooth, beautiful stones at this random place on walnut. as i walk on them i always tell myself that they're lucky.
2. i made a friend with a sweet dog today AND my math professor brought her dog. today was so full of dogs and it was fantastic haha
3. i feel like something is embedded in my finger. i'm not sure how i feel about that yet.
4. i am so lucky to know that people i know, and i'm so thankful that they have been or recently became a part of my life.
5. life is a work in progress, and i'm trying to accept that.
6. i got a leaf stuck in my dress today.
7. i need to go sew things.
8. sweet package from home.
9. hot chai re-obsession
10. i'm happy to be where i am

2:52pm: you've got me under the sea
i like sitting on my windowsill at night, it reminds me of last winter. my window does not face the quad anymore, but i can watch cars and people go by, and i still manage to float away in my thoughts.
after a cup of coffee and two excedrin, i'm a litle too antsy to sit still.
oh my god i give up writing, TOO MUCH ENERGYYYY

12:49am: i miss a lot, but i don't mind
i am in love with so many little things in my life right now. i wish that some songs would just play on repeat in my head again and again. i need to keep focused, but i am so overwhelmed by all the beauty everywhere that i'm having a hard time doing everything i need to. regardless, i am thankful for 2009.

9:50pm: i move in water, shore to shore
i am so in love with life

3:36pm: you can't even begin to know
i think the strangest things and dream the strangest dreams.

1:06am: i love driving in the dark
and i think i always will

9:34pm: if you don't love me, i'm sorry
1. this morning i willing went jogging at 7:30 AM
2. this weekend was insane and, for the most part, lovely
3. i feel pretty good, though this is all really hard work
4. things are exciting, pleasant, sad, new, unexpected, and exhausting
5. as usual i feel too tired to shower, but i hella need to
6. it's 10:06
7. every single item of food is calling my name

2:28am: well that's a lovely though
life is so so beautiful

12:50am: it's never easy
i may not want to hear it, but i guess sometimes i need to.

i always spent so much of my childhood wishing i was older, but everyone was right. these years go so very fast. now that things have fallen into place for about the millionth time, the year is almost over, and the entire dynamic of my life is going to change.

i'm running out of time, and feeling things i've never felt.

i had a few truly joyful moments today and yesterday, and if i can just capture them in my memory i'll be happy. i can't wait for my dad to visit me on saturday, although i wish my mom could come too, i miss zach. i miss the city.

being reckless is overrated if it means causing myself unnecessary anxiety or causing others to fear for my safety or doubt my ability to function for myself. what is my life doing right now? i'm noping that this self-examination can help me restart.

regards,
STEPHANIE

1:24am: oh
help

12:31am: 12:34 am
today i painted for about 5.5 hours, and came home to find sawdust in my pants.

10:23am: introduce my what and introduce my when
this time last year "into the woods" was about to open, there was prama, i was trying to work at american apparel, and we were counting the days until the end of school.

this time this year i lurk in the paint shop getting dusty and dirty, i cry about nothing, i am researching anthropomorphism, gender, and race in animated films, and i am still counting the days until the end of school. 

i keep accidentally leaving out the third comma when i make lists.  i know it's grammatically okay, but i have never done that before and it keeps happening. i would prefer to not go to classes today. i would just like to write. and write. and write. right now i need franco so i can drive into the country and just open the windows and let the rain fall on my left arm. i miss that sensation.

i guess some people are right, but i don't mind. the only person i need to please is myself, and i like who i am. 

SASS and acting CLASS time

bon soir
STEPHANIE

10:25am: dreaming of the coast of carolina, dreaming all the ways that you will smile
1. it is almost april, and it seems like two days ago i kept yelling about how great march is, which in reality was about 29 days ago
2. andy warhol books are grand
3. i am so excited for sti, oh my god
4. i wish spring break wasn't over because my family is the bomb
5. i'm glad spring break is over, because como is the bomb (sort of)
6. i am wearing an itchy scarf, but it's pretty, so i guess i'll deal
7. i am so hungry and so thirsty right now
8. i feel like i'm beginning to understand myself better, with help from, among others, the character meg in "crimes of the heart"
9. I HAVE A DANK SCAR ON MY HAND  NOW IN THE SHAPE OF A HEART
10. 12345678910

12:57am: variation
1. i should be in bed
2. i have eaten way too much food
3. i am really excited
4. it's time to wash my face
5. i love you
6. even with some negativity, the positive things happening recently have been so stunning and beautiful.
7. i just got a text in which the sender told me he saw a possum on the way home...awww i'm jealous
8. i had no idea
9. thank you for noticing
10. SPRING

12:41am: take the sky, for example
i want this week to fly, but in some regards i also want it to linger.

i can do it. i can.

1:44am: i've got a lot to lose if i'm allowed to choose
when i should feel happy, it's all i can do to keep from crying

and i don't know why that is happening

6:33pm: 1 2 3 4 5 4 3 2 1
"hug time" is my new favorite book.
i can't stop listening to french kicks.
i'm obsessed with february.
i got in trouble during choir today.
spring is on its way.
and life is beautiful.

STEPHANIE

10:03am: there's so much left to see, so many of my dreams
it just feels good to be alive again.
i know it's cold, the days are fairly similar, and i'm whiney about school, but it's really okay.

because...
well, just because.

STEPHANIE

12:14am: and crow and crow and crow
things feel so right.

and it's so good to finally feel this.

well, i mean, other than missing people, but i guess i should just get used to that, because no matter where i go, that's always going to be the case.

the past few days have been really really amazing.

STEPHANIE

10:48pm: nothing will ever be the same aside from our first names
thank you for existing.
thank you for being 2009.
thank you being there.
thank you for a new day.
thank you for a new beginning.
thank you for a fresh start.
thank you for everything.
everything.

STEPHANIE

5:03pm: the richest kids
1. started re-reading "franny and zooey"
2. really excited for 2009
3. miss people
4. remembered the sufjan stevens christmas cds are perfection
5. want a beautiful rainy day
6. rufus wainwright and my play are in like two months exactly
7. haven't felt this way in a long time
8. come thou fount of every blessing
9. surprised, maybe a little melancholy, but mostly just surprised
10. finally

3:17pm: the richest kids
today took me back. it was like high school again. it was so wonderful and also so painful at the same time.
i feel top-heavy right now. and it's good to be home. but it's also sad to be home. and there are many reasons for both.
i want to return to sunny summer days on the picnic table outside of kin lin, yacht club, sta, driving out south adventures, and blankets in loose.
but i also don't want to give up my shag carpet, walking everywhere, new friends, and everything else that has presented itself during the past 3ish months.
while i was driving on the highway last night in the rain i realized how reckless i am sometimes when i drive, and it really scared me. i realized i couldn't tell where other cars were and i was changing lanes anyway. and i realized that i could have died really easily. i was terrified until i reached my exit.
i am rereading "the tao of pooh". i feel like it's important right now to do that.
this song is adorable, but it just sounds sad to me right now. so no matter how much i would like to enjoy it, it just makes me want to curl up and disappear.
so long

stephanie

2:43pm: no sunlight
when i write in capital letters my handwriting looks like my mother's, i am so curious to know what dan needs to discuss, i want to see the cast list(s), i want to go home, i don't want to go home, my nose itches like hella, let's be really chill, i woke up next to my phone this morning and i was really confused, i want to watch wishbone really really badly, i have some big bruises on my legs, i think i could start screaming momentarily, waaat?

i know you were really interested

STEPHANIE

8:15pm: it's a question with no reply
1. i don't understand why things work out this way. 
2. 3 auditions in the past 2 days...oh my god.
3. some things still seem unreal.
4. there is a mountain of laundry in my closet, i will definitely be wearing a swimsuit for a bra tomorrow...just like i did today. ehhh
5. i love my carpet...and it seems like i mention it a lot on here, but it's the bomb, really.
6. i nearly died last night on the ice.
7. victorian christmas is an obsession haha.
8. i am currently making my dorm room a mess. i can't help it. and i don't have enough time to do anything about it.
9. i'm glad that gossip girl episodes are like a memory book for me, because when i watch specific episodes i'm like OH THIS IS THE ONE THAT I SAW WHEN WHATEVER HAPPENED. 
10. i think i might explode in about 5 seconds. 

9:37pm: go or go ahead
i like being chosen. i like being chosen to be something, or do something. it makes me feel like somebody.
today i thought about choices people have made regarding myself, and how out of every single other person, they chose me. and suddenly everything seemed a lot more important and close to home. friendship, family, and love weren't limited by distances or separation. i had always know it to be possible, but i guess i had been taking it for granted. 
i think if i sew on one more snap, hook, or eye, i will probably start crying. 
3RD ROW SEATS TO RUFUS OH MY GOD
i love writing
gloomy music has been a common theme, although i am really happy for the most part.
i need someone to hug me for a long time. i really should have hugged someone today, and then i got scared, so i didn't. and then promptly was like "what's wrong with me?" i don't want to be void of emotion. 
i am trying really really hard to calm down about my body. i know i am not fat, really i do know that. and i am not trying to get attention, concern, or pity, but sometimes i can't get my weight off my mind, and it really makes me unhappy. my mom thinks maybe my medicine could be causing depression, which is one of the side effects, so i'll just see how that goes, i guess.  
i have a stupid goal for this week, but i don't really care if it seems stupid. i am just trying to prove to myself that i can do it. 
four more days.........................and even though it's exciting, it's almost daunting. i hope people still like me.